Socha's first 3.25 months

I'm supposed to be packing right now, but packing sucks, so I figured it was a good time to write a little. I haven't had much of a chance to write since the insanity of our week-long hospital stay for Socha's birth.
The spring was hard. I knew all year leading up to this that it would be hard, but I didn't really know any way to prepare for it.  There probably was no way to do it anyway.

We came home from the hospital on Sunday night before classes started again. I was lucky that our hospital-cation happened during spring break, so I didn't need to worry about making sub plans or whatever. As we arrived home though, we were both pretty overwhelmed. The birth was emotionally and physically draining (for me! I can only imagine what it was like for Shannon), and then we were told by the doctors to give Socha formula within the first 24 hours because of Socha's jaundice, in addition to having her suffer the indignities of a day under the UV lights (looking back on those early photos, she was remarkably orange!). Neither of those were in our plans, just as having an induced birth and lots of pain meds hadn't been in our plans - we were feeling a little shell-shocked as it was.
Arriving home was when it really slammed me (and I think Shannon too). Suddenly there were no doctors, nurses, and lactation specialists around to help, but there were high school boys living just outside my office that needed my attention, classes to design for a sub, a whole bunch of baby gear that we brought home from the hospital that had to go somewhere, and Shannon's parents sleeping in our living room (we were glad to have them around to help out and meet their granddaughter, but I think I didn't expect the physical incursion on our space when I was already in an emotionally fraught state). My friend Jodi wrote an excellent post about the joys of being a mother in a country that has good medical care, maternity/paternity leave, and state-supported child care. That country is not the United States, sadly. In my first year at this job, I didn't qualify for any official paid paternity leave. My various supervisors were generally supportive, and didn't balk when I said I would be taking the first 2.5 days off after spring break (though I did have to spend that first night home from the hospital trying to make a lesson that would keep my students productively occupied while I was gone). That's all the leave I took. I told them that I might want to take more later on as needed, but I chose not to. I could have taken unpaid leave or even sick leave, but I would have still spent time planning and probably grading, so I'm not really sure I would have ended up with a net increase of time, just a loss of pay. Of course, there is always the work-guilt functioning too: it was the end of the school year and the AP exam was coming, and I didn't want to drop the ball for my students after all the hard work we'd all put in already. It's going to take some practice and discipline to carve out time for my family at a job where there are no boundaries between work-place and home-place or work-hours and home-hours.  Even summer has thus far been more full than I would like with meetings and lingering (or preparatory) work.

In addition to the demands of teaching, dorm duty, Socha and Shannon (who needed her own TLC with all the physical, hormonal, and emotional adjustments to being a new mom), spring also brought my first season coaching an after school activity. It was called "Elements" and it was an outdoor education group. It was actually a lot of fun, going hiking (usually), mixed with climbing, canoeing, rafting, and horseback riding, but it meant 10-15 hours a week more that I wasn't spending with family.

Socha had a hard first few months. She was born on the small side  (6 lbs 14 oz) and skinny (she was long), with jaundice. Breastfeeding was (and to some extent continues to be) a constant battle. On the plus side, Socha latched on right away and started to feed. On the down side, there were concerns about whether Shannon was making enough milk. We met with many different lactation consultants, talked to supportive friends/neighbors/relatives, read nursing blogs and books, and tried half-a-dozen different feeding "systems" trying to figure out what would work. Bottle feed before the breast. Bottle feed after the breast. Take a break in the middle. Don't use the bottle - it will spoil them for the nipple. Tried an eye dropper, tried a syringe (alongside my pinky finger, which Socha happily sucked away at). We tried a "supplemental nursing system" with thin hoses that attached to Shannon's nipples to try to make Socha not prefer a bottle to her breast. There was plenty of breast pumping too - Shannon complained of feeling like a "femme-bot." Our pediatrician didn't really help - she was clearly intellectually but not emotionally committed to breast-feeding (she told us that she herself had tried but that it didn't really work for her). Because of this lack of comittment, she seemed more worried about where Socha fell on the weight/age charts (way, way down) than how to help us breastfeed, and kept giving us more things to try to get Socha to fatten up. It was very emotionally draining for Shannon, who despite all encouragement, I'm sure at times felt rejected by her daughter when the breastfeeding sessions went badly, or felt like a disappointment at her difficulties nursing.

The first few weeks were a daze. I was trying to help some with the feedings in the wee hours, and even when I didn't do the feedings just the baby screaming before/after was enough so that I didn't get very good sleep. (Shannon's nights were certainly much harder than mine, but I'm writing this, not her!). The colic started in earnest around 6 weeks. There was no time that Socha was awake and not crying, unless she actively was eating at the time, and that only worked sometimes. Several times Shannon woke me up at 3 or 4 am, when both mother and daughter were sobbing. Time for me to sub in. I couldn't always do much, but it was at least time to give mom a break. The "baby hawk" carrier was my go-to tool. I put Socha in the carrier nuzzled up against my chest and went for a walk. I would often walk pretty funny bouncing a lot, until she stopped screaming and I could just walk normally until she drifted off to sleep. I walked up and down main street a lot, always wearing earplugs. I am thankful to live somewhere with safe streets for walking, though some nights I definitely got some looks from the night watchmen. I have a fond memory of one walk that started before the sunrise and ended when I had to hand her off so I could go to work. Tough day at classes, but a beautiful time to be awake. When she was really angry, it was very difficult to get her in the carrier in the first place, because her body was too stiff. After 10 minutes of walking or so, she usually relaxed and let me cinch her into the carrier. As the colic got worse, I had to walk further and further before Socha settled.

Oddly, this initial colicky period was actually one where I started getting better sleep, because Socha wouldn't sleep at all unless she was attached to mom. She wouldn't go in the swing, wouldn't go in her bassinet. In desperation, Shannon took to sleeping on the couch with Socha on her chest. This lasted for about two weeks before Shannon weaned her back to the bassinet. I feel bad writing this, because it was a very hard time for Shannon, but it was the best sleep I've gotten since Socha was born, except for those nights where Shannon woke me up to help out. Shannon wasn't sleeping on the couch, but I was out cold in bed! It was during this time, when I was starting to feel like life was semi-manageable, that I heard from a colleague that one of my students had said "I never want to have kids. Mr. Jewett just looks like hell all the time!" This coming when I was starting to feel like I was doing better!

School was hard - some days I was definitely a mess, but I'm glad to have supportive colleagues. Shannon didn't want to bring Socha to any crowded places during the first 6 weeks (to avoid germs, as infections are particularly risky during this period, according to our pediatrician), so Shannon was pretty much a shut-in, except for evening walks with me. Many of our neighbors had helpfully brought over casseroles and such, which kept us from starving (definitely no time to cook), and I brought Shannon food home from the dining hall when I could. The kids in the dorm hadn't seen Socha at all - they weren't really convinced she existed at all.

Various "milestones" on the suggested baby growth charts came and went without much notice from Socha. I think she was holding a grudge about being kicked out of the womb early and was not interested in anyone's charts. The doctor thought we would start seeing smiles around 6 weeks. We were desperate for some smiles, as so far we were putting immense amounts of time and emotional toil into this little creature, without much payback. Pooping, eating, and screaming, not really in that order.
6 weeks came and went, then 7 weeks, then 8. We didn't really get anything resembling a smile until 10 weeks, and even that was half-hearted and only on the changing table (of all places). It was 12 weeks (Father's day, actually) when we really got some full-on smiles. Oh, that was nice. Huge sigh of relief and heart-melting joy.

We tried lots of things for the colic (which no one really knows what causes it still - maybe it's digestive, maybe it's nervous system, who knows?). We've tried 4 different formulas. We've tried different feeding methods. We've monitored what Shannon is eating (though haven't yet done an allergy-elimination diet). We bounce. We walk. We sway. We bounce some more. I do the football Heisman pose (which does help). We have her on simethicone (anti-gas) and zantac (for acid reflux). We doubled the dose of the zantac. We bought some expensive and finicky bottles (Dr. Brown's) that are supposed to eliminate gas intake and help with colic. Meh.  The doctor claimed at her 3 month check up that Socha should grow out of her colic soon, and it would likely be an overnight "like a light switch" kind of thing. We have a poll on Facebook asking for when that lightswitch will get switched. We're hoping it's now-ish. It might be.

As the school year closed, we took Socha out more and more, to the dining hall (where we happily passed her off to eager baby-holders) and on walks around town. A few colleagues missed having a baby to hold, and actually asked me if they could babysit. "Um, OK." So far we've had wonderful free babysitting from Kris and Beth (twice), and Heidi is in line next. Those were welcome nights out (dinner & a movie, the school play, and dinner & a massage).

When I finally had the last faculty meeting of the school year, I was afraid that I would be occasional-meeting-ed to death all summer if I didn't just make a clean break with school, so we packed up the Subaru with all the baby crap (and baby!) and headed off to Maine. We visited Aunt Barb and Uncle Jim Haughey at their lake cottage. It was a good practice road trip (200 miles...she did pretty well, despite slowing us down a lot due to regular feedings), it was nice to see the family, and it was great to go sailing. At first I think Barb thought she would "fix" Socha, but she learned pretty quickly that Socha was just a frequently-mad little girl. At it's worst, Socha would sometimes cry in her sleep, or wake up crying (not from being hungry or tired). It was hard for a parent to bear. I don't know how single parents with colicky babies handle it - Shannon and I both had times where we were losing it and had to hand our little bundle of joy off to our partner for a while. Shannon has the patience of a saint, and nearly always handles Socha with smiles and love, even when she is being ear-splittingly mad.

Last week my sister Jenny and dad came to visit (with toddler Helen). I assumed all along that Socha would be an angel for them, so that they would be convinced I was making all this colic thing up. To some extent that was true, but Socha is still not quite there yet. It is a lot better than two weeks ago (maybe due to higher antacid dose?), but not yet colic-free, in my first-time-parent estimation. The only reason I have energy to write this retrospective is that it's summer and she is doing much better already.

About a month ago (under advisement from the lactation consultant), we conceded that Shannon was probably just not ever going to fully breast feed Socha. We would have to do just breast + bottle (or give up entirely for the bottle) for the duration. Thought this was disappointing, it gave us the freedom to drop a lot of the rigamarole that Shannon was doing trying to increase her milk supply (including the femme-bot pumping). From then on we just did bottle + breast at every feeding, and are generally not pumping anymore. Funny thing is that I think the simplified (but by no means simple!) feeding plan  took enough stress off of Shannon that she is producing more milk now (yay). Still probably not enough to go solely breast, but better.
And now Socha is seriously fattening up. She went from the 6th percentile (weight/age) at her two month check-up to the 13th percentile for her 3 month check up. I bet if we took her in today, she'd be much higher. She has been on a serious growth spurt the last week or so, demanding food pretty much all the time. She has pudginess and rolls that she never had before. My sister is convinced that Socha got visibly bigger during the 5 days she was here, and I think she's right.

It feels good to think things are stabilizing with the feeding, and the colic is getting better, even if it's not gone. Socha is starting to smile now. That's wonderful. Today was a new milestone. After her early morning feed, Socha wouldn't go back to sleep. Shannon wanted to sleep, so I took over "shushing" duties. I got Socha quiet, but oddly, she didn't go to sleep. Historically, if she'd just get calm and not wiggling/crying, she'd go to sleep, often rather instantaneously. Today, not so much. I tried to get her to sleep for 10-15 minutes, but her eyes were just looking around the fairly dark room, though she mercifully wasn't crying. Ok...I guess it's time for a mobile over the bassinet. I got her up and was going to go for a run or walk, but tried putting her on her tummy instead. The doctor has long recommended regular "tummy time" to build neck strength, but she always got so angry that we have done next-to-none. Today I gave it another shot, and she wasn't too angry. In fact, she managed to turn herself over from stomach to back, twice! (A few other times I tried, including when Shannon was watching and while recording on the camera, she was unsuccessful). Yay! Her first rollover.

Socha is also a lot more fun to play with these days. It seems she likes (tolerates?) when we dance with her, which has been frequently as we're packing. We're moving to our new campus digs soon (shortest move ever - only 200 m - but we get a moving company!). After that we'll be heading out to the the midwest to visit friends and family (oh, and go to Cedar Point. Shannon's never been. That will be awesome - good thing Grandpa Tom wants to drive down to Sandusky from Lansing to watch Socha while we ride roller coasters). We took Socha to Boston on a day trip last week, and she's getting better in the car - I hope she likes the longer haul to Minnesota.

 This may have been a complaining blog, and the last three+ months have been difficult, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. Socha has spunk and I'm looking forward to when she's not tormented by the colic. She already makes great faces. Shannon is a wonderfully kind and caring mother, and I have enjoyed getting to watch her grow into this new phase of her life. It's fun walking down the street (like in Cambridge, MA last week) and watch people watch Socha - especially when they think she is a newborn (instead of 3+ months old). The women invariably can't stop staring, like what men would do if a topless women were walking down the street. The men occasionally smile, but usually get really uneasy because of the excitement their wives/girlfriends are showing over the baby. Mostly, I've enjoyed staring into Socha's eyes, playing with her feet, dancing with her, taking long walks, dipping her toes in the river, reading her stories, and seeing the joy start to come into her eyes. It's going to be a fun (and tiring) ride.
Whew...enough rambling. Back to packing. Here are some photos from Socha's third month to keep you all enjoying her wonderfulness.